This Is Your Life

Posted on: October 31, 2004

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dream that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Switchfoot

This is my life... uncertain and bleak. I had everything I could ever wish for but it all seemed to go away. I would normally tell you that everything's just changing around me. But I got so caught up observing the world around me that I looked past myself and never really got to see me change.

Life could be so cruel. The harsh realities of it just overwhelm me. One minute you're happy, moments later you're sad. The preacher said this morning that God has His ways in catching our attention and that He is patient doing so. He'll do whatever it takes. He got Moses' attention after forty years. He got mine in a day.

I had it all but as the impermanence of this world goes I soon lost it. People that I've cared for my whole life are leaving me. Do I deserve this? Maybe I do. At least I still have my family. At least I'm secured knowing that they'll never leave me. If they do... then I'm certain that my life is really messed up.

It took a lot of heartbreaks and heartaches for God to catch my attention but eventually He did. Suddenly I found myself running back to Him seeking refuge, comfort, and strength.

"The problem with us is that we focus too much on the problem, but if we look past the problem we would find the solution." I looked past my problem and I saw God. I have wasted a lot of my thoughts in finding MY solution to the problem that I never really asked God to help me. Pride and ignorance hindered me from seeking His face. I thought I could do this all by myself but my body's weak and my spirit's frail.

God gave me a reason to smile amidst my problems because in Him I find hope. And hope is the one thing that I'm holding on too.

Everything will be fine. Everything will be okay. It's all I could hope for.

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Resound

Posted on: October 30, 2004

We just got home from the Mainplace Convenarium where a concert took place. It featured Sunny Conde and the Ethereal Band and Dennis Chua. The setup was astonishing. Stalactite structures were hanged from the ceiling and spotlights flooded the area. In addition to that, there were two projectors that gave the disco light effect. This is the first time I witnessed a live concert.

I am a sucker for live concerts. Being a musician, I enjoy watching other musicians play their instruments. The band was great. It had percussions, a bass player, a keyboardist, a sax player, a guy with the blues guitar (he reminds me of the guy in Misteryo), and of course a talented singer who by the way is the daughter of the senior pastor of Crossroads 77. The whole concert brought us back in the age of the 60s, 70s, 80s, all the way up to the 90s. We got to experience a sample of music from each decade that has passed. They had a jazz/blues setup and they sounded great. At one point during the show Susan Conde approached the audience looking for someone to sing with her. I noticed that she was looking at my direction. At that moment I knew she was coming for me so I looked down eliminating any eye contact with her. Sadly though she approached me and asked me to stand up. She commented on my physique and said "Kawawa ka naman, siguro di ka pinapakain noh?" With a spotlight on my face all I could do was smile wishing that she would turn away and find somebody else to victimize. She asked me if I could sing. I hesitated and said no even though I knew I could (You have to cover your ears though). To my delight she turned on to Naniel. Thank God that was over.

At some point during the show they sang a song by The Carpenters and I was transfixed by the music. Needless to say I am a hopeless romantic. Hopeless... well to certain degree, yes... but romantic nonetheless. Those are the kind of songs that make me all tingled up inside. Most of what they played were oldies... classics rather. I barely know some of them. But on the later portion of the concert they started singing songs of my generation. They did a cover on Alanis Morissete's Uninvited. I love that song. It has a creepy vibe to it but they did it so well I had goose bumps all over my body. They also played Tamia's Officially Missing You. The last song they did was from one of my favorite artists, Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You.

When the band ended, Dennis Chua came in and provided the place with house music. He is one of the pioneering DJs in the country and once he got the beat started everyone was rocking their heads. Suddenly the lights went off and the disco lights turned on. The whole place was reminiscent of my HS prom nights except we were at church. Yes, at first it seems uncomfortable grooving your way in a place of worship. But then again we were also reaching out to a lot of nonbelievers. I like the church's concept of the 21st century approach to evangelism. It may be radical and seem outright crazy but I think it's a whole lot effective in reaching out to others in a more subtle way. Instead of asking the nonCs the two diagnostic questions and scare the hell out of them by stating that if they don't receive Christ they would go to hell they can offer a much more subtle approach like this concert.

I forgot to mention that Pastora Anne gave the message during the halftime of the show. Her message was simple yet profound. After a brief history on music she goes on to conclude that unless we find our North we will never find our direction in life. God is our North. In the past the African slaves sang blues as a way to send out cryptic messages which would lead them to the north where eventually they would find their freedom. Our freedom and salvation from eternal damnation comes from seeking the North in our lives.

Back to the event... the beat was thumping and everyone was clearing the way and the remainder of the night was spent with dancing. Not everyone danced. Soon as Dennis Chua got on stage much of the people were leaving. Apparently they didn't like techno or even listen to Moby. I would leave because it seems odd dancing in church but then again this was different. Surprisingly ate Eva got on the center and started dancing. Boy was she one party girl. After that the youth began to gather around teasing each other to dance. Soon after everyone was swaying but none was really dancing. Timid people... tsk tsk tsk. Who can blame them? I can't even get my feet to move. My body was shivering from the extreme cold and my eardrums are aching from the noise. But I got the hang of it. I started to enjoy it. As I said, it reminded me of prom night. I even took my sister and we danced swing. I may be rusty in dancing but I was still good at it. The night didn't seem to end but unfortunately we had to go home. Kuya EJ and ate Eva were offering us a ride back to our place. We eventually got home safe and sound. What a night to resound... reverberate... and resonate!!! (They are all synonymous by the way)

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Insomnia

Posted on: October 29, 2004

After setting the thermostat of the AC to a tolerable temperature I got into bed hoping to doze off into semi-conscious bliss. Instead, I ended up staring blankly at the ceiling. I can't get myself to sleep so I decided to check up on Crescense. She was still sleeping. I sat down on the couch for a while watching Power Zone and then got back up. It was already early morning and yet I couldn't get myself to sleep so whilst under my covers I played Snake on my cell. Game after game I ended up dying without reaching the 800 marker. I used to be good at this but then again I'm getting older. After numerous resets I grew tired of playing so later I indulge myself by listening to the numerous ring tones in my cell. Satisfied, after hearing 30 monotones played over and over again, I placed my mobile down beside me and closed my eyes.

3:00 a.m. - I was already in the dream world when suddenly Crescense started crying. I was expecting this to happen because for two days this has been her routine. She would wake up, do her thing, sniff around, yelp... and then yelp some more. She would stop once she gets tired then she'll go back to sleep. I waited for her yelping to stop. It did actually quite sooner then I expected. Again I dozed off to dream world.

5:00 a.m. - Sad-eyed pup began to cry again and this time she won't stop. Her sharp cry kept ringing in my head and I was quite annoyed because I hadn't had sufficient sleep yet. In my mind I kept saying, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" It came to a point that I cried those words aloud. She kept on going so I decided to bear the situation and try to sleep.

These happens every after a two hour interval and she's very consistent at it. At first I figured that she was crying because she's looking for her mother. I was wrong. Her crying could only mean one thing, bathroom check. What is it with dogs and the places they frequent to excrete their excrements. I understand their need to mark their territory but why not do it on a newspaper and make our lives so much easier. I later realized that we can't complain about these things because when we adopted the puppy we took on a responsibility. It's like having a baby. You need to nurture, care, and train it. Come to think of it, maybe Crescense could teach me a thing or two on parenthood and prepare me to become a responsible adult. Well, maybe not!

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The Aftermath

Posted on: October 28, 2004

"You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen."

--By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept: by Paulo Coelho

October 25
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A text from my blockmate woke me up.

Jc, 4 ka daw sa math. Ngyn ung remvals 10 am.

After reading it I shook my head and went back to sleep. It was already 8 in the morning and I had no plans to take my removals. I reasoned out to myself that Math will always be my weakness and what better way to learn it than to take it all up again. With that thought in my head I went back to sleep - carefree. Moments later my phone rang. I answered it. Alma was on the other line asking me if I would take the removals. I said the same excuse I gave myself but she wasn't convinced. She said that if I don't pass Math I wouldn't be able to take Physics and Chemistry this coming semester. I told her that I was planning to shift and Physics and Chemistry is not part of the PolSci curriculum so it's no use taking the removals now. Still she wasn't convinced. She told me that if I missed this one chance to get a passing grade my transcript will forever be marked. That caught my attention. Having a grade of 5 in my TOR may affect my chances in shifting to another course so I told her that I'll be on my way. I got up, changed my clothes, and without even taking breakfast I left. This would be the first time I would take an exam unprepared.

When I arrived I saw Alma, Jessy, and Paula sitting on the floor near the CAS registrar. It was 9:45 and I breathed out a sigh of relief. Just when I thought that things will be okay Alma asked, "Pare, may permit ka na ba?" I answered, "What permit?" She explained that before we could take the removals we should have a permit from the College of Dentistry. I have 15 minutes left and CD is a block away from CAS so if I want to make it on time for the removals I better start running. So I ran all the way to Taft Avenue, rode a jeep, ran a short distance to the CD, fill out some of the forms, got the permit, and finally I got on a jeep. Luckily I made it on time. Jessy and Paula were leaving when I got to the entrance. They both wished me luck. I knew I needed more than luck.

GAB 105. The proctor was already handing out the exams when I arrived. I took deep breaths and when I got the exam I browsed it over. The exam was easy compared to the previous departmental exams but considering that I didn't study it was also quite hard. It took a lot of trial and error for me to answer most of the questions. In the end logic and common sense paved the way for me to get sure answers. As I passed my paper it dawned to me the great what-ifs in life. What if I never took the exam? I surely would have missed my chance and in the end I would be left with a deep sense of regret. Good thing though I took it. I have Alma, my ever so kindred friend, to thank for.

October 26
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Crescense. She's got the saddest eyes I've ever seen. When I first met her I asked her, "Why do you cry?" She looked on as if she never heard a word I said.

October 27
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We decided to let Crescense sleep in my room and for two nights she kept me awake. She wakes up ever other hour and then she yelps waking me up from my slumber. I have to watch over her untill she goes back to sleep. We bonded though in these past few nights. I would scratch her behind her ear singing a lullaby as I lulled her to sleep. Sleep. In a 24 hour time span, 14 of it she spends sleeping. She reminds me of myself. If you ask my sisters they would tell you that we are so alike. Maybe that's why I feel a connection with her. Who knows?

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The dilemmas we find ourselves in...

Posted on: October 22, 2004

Time is fleeting. You wake up facing a day so much different from the others. Everything and everyone in this world is changing. Change - it is the only permanent thing in our mortal lives.

A day before I woke up a year older. People do not grow younger. We age, we grow, and we mature. The fountain of youth is but a myth rekindled by people who wish to relive their younger days. We look back at the path we threaded and we smile. We took on a journey... climbing every mountain and overcoming every obstacle in our path. Life is an adventure... a journey. It drives you through the lands of eternity, over the mountains of struggle, past the pits of sadness, and finally down the rivers of happiness. We take each path searching for a purpose, a reason, a dream. And for every stumble and victory that we take we learn something new.

I've learned a lot in sixteen years. I learned that for every river of happiness there's always a sea of sorrow. For every heart beating there is always a flame of passion burning and that for every heart broken there will always be an ocean of tears flowing. In a belief of a perfect world we tend to deny that bad things could happen. But then again duality on earth is mundane. For every pleasant good there is an equal and opposite unpleasant bad. Good thing though that in times of the unpleasant bad there are people you could count on... special people... people that matter in your life.

October 20. I've been receiving txt messages from different people the night before. Most of them were from my block mates. It was odd because none of my high school friends, save Julie, texted me. I thought they forgot. But I can't blame them because even I myself don't know the dates of their birthdays. A month ago my sisters and I were planning to organize a sleepover/gathering of my high school friends here in Cavite on my birthday. But we weren't really that serious about it because we lack the money and thought that it was impossible. I was alone all by myself that fateful morning on my birthday. Solitude. Good thing though my bestfriend came to accompany me.

My sisters meanwhile were in SM Bacoor. They arrived with Goldilocks plastic bags. I asked them why they bothered to buy tons of food when nobody's coming to eat them all up. The just shrugged their shoulders and said "Sus, problema ba yan. Di imbitahin ung mga taga church." They placed the food on the table and once everything was set up Jezi and I decided to eat. We stayed in my room eating pancit and palabok, supposedly for long health, and fried chicken. A few hours later I decided to go down to check up on ate Leeann. As I walked down the stairs and looked past the railings I saw someone familiar. I thought to myself "It couldn't be... nah it's not him." Further down the stairs, I finally saw them enter one by one. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. These were the people I grew up with during my high school days and they were all here for my birthday. Surprised and happy, those were my very feelings. Later they explained that Julie planned all of these, she even texted my classmates one by one begging them to come. Unfortunately Ryan, Ruel, Roselie, and EJ were in Abu Dhabi so they couldn't come. Those who came were Julie, Dorevie, Joyce, Irwin, MJ, and VJ. I wasn't totally expecting this. Even my sisters and Jezi were all part of the master plan to surprise me. They succeeded because I was more than surprised. A little later through the night we went to SM to pick up Kuje. VJ has to go home because she wasn't allowed to sleep over but the rest were staying for a day at my house.

The morning after, actually early early morning at around 1:00 am, we were all still up watching Troy. It made us reminisce of the time we portrayed the heroes of the war in a school play wherein the boys acted the girls and the girls the boys. The play was hilarious. Imagine Jezi, Mike, and Richard as the 3 goddesses fighting for the golden apple... if that wouldn't make you laugh nothing else will. After the movie the girls decided to sleep. Meanwhile the rest of us boys watched yet another movie, this time Shrek 2. When the film ended Mike and I went to my room to catch some shut-eye. Irwin was already sleeping in the couch but Kuje and Mj still wanted to watch The Day After Tomorrow. Hours later, while everybody slumbered; Mike, Mj, and I were still awake. I was all alone sitting by the stairs while Mike and Mj were in my room conversing with each other. I couldn't sleep even though my brain was forcing my eyes to shut. I was contemplating on a dilemma I was facing.

Amidst great happiness I was facing a big dilemma. It was something I got to share with only a few people. I remember when my professor in History said that love comes in three stages. The first stage is when people fall in love but not with the person you love but rather with the feeling of being in love - the feeling that keeps you high up in the clouds, floating, desiring, wishing to live through forever with your significant other. The second stage is when you fall out of love. The third, the decision, the stage when one decides to forsake the past and love the person for who he/she is and to be with them for the rest of his/her life.

I've been past the first and now I'm facing the second. My dilemma. There was no way out of this situation. I had to make the critical decision of staying or breaking our relationship. It's a Lose-Lose situation. Either way the consequences wouldn't be good. But I have to make the decision. Staying in a relationship where the love you feel is gone will only hurt you both. Breaking up will only do the same. I didn't sleep thinking about it. The sadness and the guilt that I felt inside took over me and at that moment every attempt that I took to come up with rational alternative failed. I had to do the latter. I was looking for the perfect time to break it up to her but it just didn't seem to come. That afternoon I took a leap of fate and approached her; the girl whom I loved and promised to cherish forever. Promises were never meant to be broken but the moment I sat down with her I knew promises would be broken and sooner or later tears will be shed.

The room was dark. Music streamed from the speakers and it filled the entire room. I swear I could feel her heartbeat race but maybe it was just mine. I took her hand, placed it on my chest and said, "Nawawala na." She looked away and understood everything that was happening with just two words - words that I never planned to say. We were silent and I could feel a drop of tear fall down my cheek. I wanted to reason out. I wanted to explain everything but finally I said that I wanted to start over. She knew that this was coming and I could feel the pain that she felt. The burden of guilt was on me and it was pulling me down. I'm letting go of a girl who loved me so much, even more than herself. That all she ever wanted was to make me happy. Hard as it seems it's a decision that I have to make to save us from the biggest heartache of all - staying in a pseudo-quasi relationship where love is but a dying leaf separated from its branch slowly fluttering to the ground.

We learned our lessons. We let ourselves fall in love with love itself. At first everything was real but things change. The impermanence of feelings took over and reality suddenly slapped me its premonition. Tears were falling from her eyes. I could kiss her tears but I didn't. My weary eyes were filled with sorrow but it refused to cry. She cried for me. After all this I asked her if she was ok. She said yes but I knew she was lying. None of us were okay. I stood up, took her hand, raised her up, and gave her a hug. As we hug our feet started moving and after a few minutes we were dancing. We danced in the darkness and I started singing Tony Bennet's song. We danced as if there was no tomorrow. We danced as if nothing happened. We danced our worries away. We danced as it were our last. And it was. When it was all over I smiled at her- she smiled back.

None of us uttered a word while we were on the bus going to Manila. She took my hand and I clasped hers. We both knew it was over. We both knew that every moment that we had with each other will just be a dream we once dreamt together. We thought our dreams would last for all eternity but suddenly reality woke us up with his song. As we neared Manila's city hall I whispered to her, "Don't ever forget me." She replied with a big smile on her face, "I won't, tetxt nga kita lagi e."

When we got down we started walking. I asked her if we made the right decision and she replied that it's for the better. As we walk we talked about anything and everything. Random thoughts poured out of our mouths and we were enjoying every moment of it. We may not be lovers anymore but we're still friends, the best of friends. Love doesn't last that long but friendship will. Experience taught me that. While we walked I told her that I love her, she understood what I said and she told me that she loves me too. We laughed. . It was ironic how both of us were happy and sad all at the same time. I started singing the chorus of rainbow...

Take a little time baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds that was sent to sing for me and you
Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns there will be night and day
There's a rainbow always after the rain.

She sang with me. The song we once shared we were singing for the one last time. As we approached the loading station of jeepneys, something inside me is forcing me not to let go of her hand. I know she felt the same way too but it was time. We had to say our goodbyes. Before she entered the jeep I hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks. She returned the favor and kissed me back. I wanted to stay but I started walking away. Walking away... I hope this would be my last.

A love story was written... and in it words turned into sentences then to paragraphs... soon pages were written and chapters grew from them... but it was time that it ended. The final sentence was marked by a dot and the book was closed. Only God knows when it will open again.

This by far has been the longest post I have ever made in my blog and I guess it would stay this way for quite some time. I'll end with a cliche... Like it or not, either way you'll get one...

"To live is to love.... to love is to hurt.... to hurt is to live..."

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Sick and Bored

Posted on: October 18, 2004

Sick. Just as I thought that a pill of Biogesic would do me well, my stuffed nose and inflamed throat proved me wrong. I have been in this condition for the past four days and there are no signs of improvement ever since. It started as a mild pain in my throat eventually turning into a cold and finally a mixture of both. Tissues are consumed every minute and by now I would have used up at least 3 boxes of tissues. This is not new to me. Ever since I was a kid I had trouble breathing through my nose. My parents brought me to the clinic and doctors diagnosed me of having sinusitis and adenoids. They were opting for operation but we didn't go for it. Eventually it all disappeared. But after that I was more vulnerable to other diseases especially the common colds. Having colds may not be life-threatening like cancer, ebola, or even HIV, but it is annoying... very annoying. First it clogs your nose forcing you to breath through your mouth. Second, it leaves your tongue senseless and everything you eat tasteless. And lastly it makes your life a whole lot more miserable because of the said reasons. Scientists have made a lot of medical breakthroughs these past few years but still they haven't found the cure for the simple, yet dreaded disease... the common colds. Let's just hope that genetic engineering and the technological advancements in the field of medicine would help find a way to eradicate this nuisance. But they say prevention is better than cure. Stocking up on Vitamin C would have prevented my colds but then again it's too late. By now I should have learned my lesson. Tsk tsk tsk...

Bored. This morning I found out that our cable was gone. We issued a letter to the company to close the connection 4 months ago but it was only till now that we're finally disconnected. All that's left is the usual Channel 2, Channel 7, but thank God though we still have Studio 23 and MTV. Goodbye AXN, goodbye WWE (now I won't have the chance to see Big Show kick the crap out of Kane), goodbye Star Movies, HBO, Wowow, Movie Plus, Stage, Couch... goodbye to the Saturday movie nights, the Wednesday CSI marathons, the weekends on National Geographic and the Discovery Channel. To all the channels I ever watched, I bid you farewell and adieu

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Homesick

Posted on: October 16, 2004

Yesterday a wave of nostalgia hit me as we walked by the streets of Ortigas. The towering high-rises, dimly lit streets, buildings under construction, and cars seemed so familiar to me. Yes, cars. You've got your Hondas, Mitsubishis, Jaguars, Fords, Toyotas, and so on. I looked on as they pass the stoplight and I felt that there was something missing. As if it was zapped out of earth, the signature vehicle of the Philippines, the jeepney, was nowhere to be found. I thought that was weird because jeepneys are supposed to be everywhere. This PUV is the preferred vehicle for transportation among the Filipino masses. But then again I was in the 'corporate world' and people have their own cars. If not, they have at least the money to pay for a cab. Everything was so reminiscent of the city I grew up with, Abu Dhabi. [hums to himself: ishi biladi..]

Abu Dhabi literally means the city of gazelles. But you won't find any gazelles in the city because they are kept in well-guarded sanctuaries. In 10 years the area has progressed from a desert wasteland to an industrialized city complete with the world's second seven-star hotel. The other is in the same country but in a different state. Kudos to the President, His Highness Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan Al Nahyan. The country is one of the top developing, developed I should say, country in the whole world. They have the resources to progress. Underneath the desert sand lays black gold which they utilize in every imaginable way, from the world's tallest hotel to artificial islands created in the city that resembles a palm tree. Sadly, I recently found out that President Sheikh Zayed died. Although it was not yet announced publicly, people working inside his palace confirmed his death.

President Sheikh Zayed. People love this guy. Around the city you will find huge portraits of him usually with his trademark sunglasses. Yup this guy loves sunglasses. You want to know what kind of sunglasses? Check out the video 'She Will be Loved' by Maroon 5? Talk about making a fashion statement. Anyway, people really love him even the expats that really don't belong in the country. I grew to love him. Who wouldn't? I remember watching the presidential convoy as it passed by Corniche. In the middle was a long black limousine with only a digit in its license plate, the number one. Maybe it was to signify that the person seated inside the limo is 'THE ONE'. Too bad he's dead. Don't get me wrong. I am deeply saddened by what happened. But, as they say, life goes on. Obladi oblada life goes on..hmm hmm hmm. He was a good man. May God bless his soul.

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Sem Break!!!

Posted on: October 14, 2004

7 months of Spanish Colonialism, American Imperialism, and Japanese Fascism....
7 months of outlining, precis writing, and paraphrasing...
7 months of philosophical analysis, fallacious arguments, and ethics...
7 months of stratification, mobility, and deviance...
7 months of functions, equations, and logarithms...

After 7 months of mild brain damage in UP... who wouldn't look forward to sem break... and (drum roll please) it's finally here... nyahahaha

I still have one thing to worry about before I celebrate... REMOVALS!!!

Math... the dreaded subject. Who created it anyway??? And why does it have to be so important??? How do i hate thee? Let me count the ways. I hate thee to the depth and breadth and height...yadayadayada... you get the idea.. It's the one subject I detest the most. It would have been my favorite but too bad it ain't. I bet there is a manual for math geniuses out there... sooner or later you will find me reading "The Idiots Guide to Math." It's my fault though, if only I was attentive when my HS teacher taught math I wouldn't be complaining right now.

I have failed the first and second departmental exams in Math so basically I wouldn't be so surprised if I would fail in my succeeding exams. This Wednesday we had our finals and before we started answering the questionnaire, our prof handed out the results of our third dept exam. When I got my booklet I didn't even want to look at it but I could remember taking a glimpse only to find out that..... I PASSED!!! My heart was beating fast then. It was if I witnessed a miracle. My legs wanted to jump and my lungs wanted to shout woohoo but I just smiled and thanked God. The finals is not that bad but i'm crossing my fingers and praying that God would make a miracle out of my final exam and somehow redeem me from taking the removals. I could only hope.

[Sountrip: Jason Mraz - Curbside Prophet]

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Anemoi... the beginning

Posted on: October 11, 2004

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